sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
