I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
