Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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