I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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