dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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