It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize