is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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