Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
