I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
