its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I don't deserve a penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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