I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
