she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize