my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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