So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
