So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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