I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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