Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
