Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
