WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
