in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
