M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
