Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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