My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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