it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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