you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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