Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize