I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
