Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
