I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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