i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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