I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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