you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
