"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
