Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
