He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
