She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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