He disabled his match.com account in front of me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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