I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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