I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
