Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
