Heybabeimwearingurpanties
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
