you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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