I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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