I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
