i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
