This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
