He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
