I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
