The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
