please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I supernannyed him into submission
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
