So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
