I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
