Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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