I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
