when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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