its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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