Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
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