I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well I just put wine in my tea
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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